50 People On ‘The Most Intellectual Joke I Know’
Oct. 15, 2013, from an article in Thought Catalog by Chrissy Stockton
Mine: “Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he wants to drink. Descartes says ‘hmmm, I don’t know’ and vanishes in a puff of logic.”
1.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2.
Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”. Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.
3.
“I’m a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people.”
4.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
5.
Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
6.
“is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
7.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…
8.
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.
The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.
9.
I’d tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.
10.
I prefer IP jokes; it’s all in the delivery.
11.
I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I’d have to keep repeating it until you got it.
12.
Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I’d like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that’s what I wanted!”
13.
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
14.
Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.
15.
Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody!
16.
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.
17.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
18.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
19.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”
20.
there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
21.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure
22.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
23.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
24.
The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
25.
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.
26.
A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”
27.
Your mother is so classless, she could be a marxist utopia
28.
An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with “If we assume that the horse is a sphere…”
29.
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
30.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “dry?”, he replies “nein, just one”
31.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “Can I have a glass of H2O.”
The second chemist says “Can I have a glass of water too.”
The first chemist broke down in tears – his assassination attempt had failed.
32.
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
Edit: Apparently an anecdote was also in attendance.
33.
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
34.
An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
The engineer says, “we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow.”
The chemist says, “with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane.”
The economist says, “okay let’s assume we have a boat…”
35.
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
36.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
37.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.
38.
The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
39.
An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he left the philosophers to deliberate.
Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn’t count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask “What is the best question to ask?”, in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question.
Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: “What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?” Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel’s return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: “It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving.” And then he disappeared.
40.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
41.
C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors”
42.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
43.
An engineer, an economist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep. “What do you know,” the engineer remarks. “The sheep in Scotland are black.” “No, no”, protests the economist. “At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.” The philosopher considers this a moment. “That’s not quite right. There’s at least one sheep which is black from one side.”
44.
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
45.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
46.
Silver and Gold walk into a bar.
Bartender says “‘ey you, get outta here!”
Gold leaves the bar.
47.
The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.
48.
Wife walks in on husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”
49.
Q: How was Louis the XIV feeling after completing the Palace of Versailles?
A: Baroque
50.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?